woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
