I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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