i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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