Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
