I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
