Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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