I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
