someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
The Olympian is in my bed
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
