ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Randomize
