I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
