look no pants
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
