i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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