the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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