I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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