k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
