I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
