3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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