oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
