if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
