Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Someone signed my nipple.
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