Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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