I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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