Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
