I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
