My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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