My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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