remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Randomize
