No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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