He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
