do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
