I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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