Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
