Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
