You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
