She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
