I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
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