My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
