So drunk its hurt
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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