I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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