just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
