surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
