When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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