I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
