fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
