i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
im calling her cock vulture from now on
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
where are my pants?
in the oven.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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