I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize