i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
