You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
