oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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