I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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