Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I think people are normalizing furries
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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