i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
