my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
