you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
