I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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