best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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