I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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